I have been wanting to write about something for quite a while, but I needed time to formulate it in my mind. Even so, it has always been very close to my heart.
We as a society tend to try to fix things. It is incredibly uncomfortable to see people hurting, not only physically but emotionally too. And there are a lot of big, broken hearts all around us. People in turmoil. People navigating massive life changes, deep challenges, and unimaginable losses.
When we see our loved ones hurting, we often do not know what to do, how to help, or how to make it better. So we try to fix it. We offer advice. We give directions. We suggest new perspectives and quick solutions, hoping something will ease the pain.
But the quicker we can get to a place of acknowledging that we cannot fix it, the better supporters we become.
With my daughter Ruby, I learned this the hard way. She did not need advice, suggestions, or quick fixes. She needed a safe space where she could let it all out. I noticed that when I jumped in with solutions or tried to shift her perspective, it shut her down. She stopped talking. She no longer felt safe sharing.
And it was because I kept trying to fix it.
She taught me something so important. She taught me that she did not always need advice. She needed someone to listen. So I learned to ask her a simple question. Do you need me to just listen, or are you looking for advice on what to do?
And I will tell you, that was magic.
Those words opened the door even wider because they showed her that I was actually listening. That I was there, right beside her.
And now, here I am, walking in those same shoes.
I am often met with directions, quick fixes, and advice on how I should feel or how I should move through my grief. When really, I just need someone to listen. To see me. To witness my pain.
That is all.
That is all anyone needs in times of turmoil.
Just be there.
Allow our loved ones to talk.
Allow them to feel safe letting it out.
Stop giving advice for shoes you are not walking in.
I was recently talking with a mom who did not know how to help her daughter. Her daughter had started shutting down more and more. I felt Ruby’s guidance come through, the lesson she taught me. Are you trying to fix it, or can you just listen?
She laughed and said she was definitely a fixer, just like I was. So we talked about the practice of listening. Of creating a safe space for words to come out without interruption or solutions. Of practicing this again and again.
After listening, that is often where problem solving can happen.
Or maybe it does not need to.
Maybe the person simply needed a quiet, safe place to release some words and ease the pressure. To make room in their mind before anything else.
It is not easy. I know firsthand that it is not easy. But it is doable. And it is something we need to practice as a society.
Because people shut down. People get quiet. And that is where the danger lives.
Let us create safe spaces for words and feelings to come out, and gently step back from the need to fix.
I know for me personally, I do not share my pain with just anyone. I have been “fixed” too many times. Shut down too many times. And it leaves a feeling that is hard to explain.
Icky is the word that comes closest.
We don’t have to fix it to love someone well.
We need to listen.