Years ago, my mom told me something so profound when my daughter Ruby was going through a very difficult time. Of course, I was blaming myself for everything I did wrong as a parent. But then my mom said to me, “We only look in the small rear view mirror at all that we did wrong in the past. But if we can expand our view to the whole rear window, we can see the things we did right, too.”
That made me catch my breath. Why do we focus only on what we do wrong? We might do 10 things right and only one thing wrong, yet we beat ourselves up over the one thing. The one time we made a bad judgement call or a mistake, and we beat ourselves up over and over again for it. Yet, in reality, there were nine things we did correctly.
I know I am not the only one who does this. And every time I share this analogy, it always hits home.
My mom’s pep talk was highlighting that I was indeed a very good mom. And yes, as parents, we absolutely make mistakes! But chances are, we get so many more things right than we get wrong. And learning to be a little softer on ourselves, a little gentler, and a little more compassionate not only helps ourselves, but also demonstrates compassion to our children and the ones who love us.
Imagine if when we were young parents, we gave ourselves compassion when we made mistakes, and talked to our kiddos about making mistakes and how it’s a normal part of life. If we make a mistake, we can acknowledge it, learn from it, and work to not make that error again. And we give ourselves compassion and love in the process.
Imagine if we did that, and the little ones who are watching us see this demonstrated, and they learn from us. They learn to have compassion for themselves and others, and operate in kindness rather than harsh negative talk.
Can I go back and start my parenting over again, please?!
I guess that is why we have incredibly insightful parents, elders, and loved ones who have walked this path already, to give us incredible advice. Look our the whole rear window instead of just at the small rear view mirror. Change your perspective and have some compassion for yourself.
This past year, losing my daughter, Ruby, to suicide created an incredible amount of me beating myself up, looking at the small rear view mirror as opposed to opening my eyes to the beautiful rear window, so big and bright. As I have slowly started to expand and accept that yes, I made mistakes, I also did so much right and did a lot of good as well.
Sometimes, I still focus on that rear view mirror, but slowly I am catching myself, gentling re-directing my mind to expand the view, to think of the times where I was so proud of my parenting and my actions, happy times that make me smile. I think of the good parts of my parenting, where, if it were someone else, I would be praising them; I can do that for me, too.
And you can do that for you, too. It takes work, yes. Because we naturally beat ourselves up for any wrongdoing. But we do not have to. It’s okay to feel all of our feelings of regret and sadness, but we should not stay there; slowly, we can expand our view, even inch by inch, to start seeing the good things too. This is what can help us find more love and compassion for ourselves, and when we find love and compassion for ourselves, it trickles out towards others.
So here I am, trickling towards you. Please look at that rear view window. Think of even a few positive, proud moments in that large window and feel those loving feelings for yourself; you did the best you could with what you knew then at the time.
I will be over here, trudging down this trail, looking back and doing the same.