This is for mamas who worry if they are doing it wrong, dealing with their kiddos who are like many other kids—struggling with big emotions. And yet, the mamas are dealing with their own emotions as well.
This is something I had to work on myself; learning how to regulate my own emotions while dealing with a child with big, and often dysregulated emotions.
When your child is yelling, crying, slamming doors, or shutting down completely, knowing how to navigate these times is not only hard, it’s exhausting. No one talks to us about this when we are starting a family or dreaming of what our kiddos will be like when they are older. We are not educated and definitely not prepared for this.
How can we stay calm when we don’t know how to be prepared and regulate our own emotions dealing with our kiddos outbursts, high anxiety and stress?
This isn’t about fixing your child. This is learning about supporting you—the mom who is constantly holding the emotional weight of her family, often in silence.
Let this be your gentle permission to take care of yourself, too. I will as well.
Your child may have emotional outbursts and stress; you will likely recognize some or all of these:
- Meltdowns over minor things
- Explosive reactions to being told “no”
- Intense fear, sadness, or anger
- Sudden mood shifts
- Shutting down and seeming like they are detaching from you and their surroundings
- Difficulty calming down even after a situation has passed
It is so important we remember that our children with unregulated emotions aren’t trying to make life difficult. Their brains haven’t learned how to manage their big feelings. But as a mother, it can feel like walking on emotional eggshells, which brings wicked emotional stress on us. Plus add on the rest of the things we are dealing with. Big, big breath. I get it mama.
What I know is this though: you, mama are the temperature of the household. When you are calm, your child feels calmer and safer. But how on earth do we learn to regulate ourselves? One more thing to do and learn! But it is essential for our health and wellbeing as well as the health and wellbeing of the rest of the household as well. I had to learn this the hard way.
I learned about the tornado and finding my way to the eye of the storm, you know the calmest part of the storm? It is in the eye that you can sit and notice what is happening around you but you are not getting sucked into the vortex of the stress and chaos. You are at the calmest part of the storm, inviting others to join you in the calm.
Following are some ways to quickly get you regulated again. Even 5 minutes can reset your nervous system by trying the following:
- Sit in silence with your eyes closed, focus on your heartbeat in your chest, allowing it to slow down
- Step outside for fresh air, breathe in deep and focus on your feet as you walk or stand in one spot. This is mindfully bringing yourself back to centre
- Breathe deeply—inhale 4 counts through your nose, exhale 8 counts through your mouth and repeat and repeat. Or breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts and hold for 4 counts and repeat and repeat.
- Turn on some music and focus on the words, really, really listen. Drop your shoulders and release your belly and your hips. Big deep breath.
These are small yet doable ideas to signal to your body to relax. Follow up with saying “I’m safe. I can breathe.”
When you are trying to help your child in dysregulation, keep your phrases and words short, to the point, and lovingly with boundaries. We need to remember: children and people can’t absorb logic when they are in high stress moments. Say what needs to be said, then allow space for a safe place for them to come back to calm. Sometimes we also need to be able to say, “I need a moment to calm down, I will be back and we can finish talking then” or “Let’s both take some quiet time and practice breathing before we continue. Mom needs to take a break too”. I was taught that this teaches emotional regulation and gives you space to collect yourself.
Find a non-negotiable outlet that you need to take time for you and put back into yourself, whether it’s journaling, walking, praying, therapy, or texting a trusted friend—make space for release. Your emotions are valid and they need to be released. How can you help your child regulate theirs if you cannot take time to regulate your own?
There are so many other moms out there, right now, dealing with outbursts, anxious children, school phone calls, angry kiddos and stressful mornings just like us. They may not talk about it, but they exist. We are all part of a circle of mothers loving deeply in situations that don’t have easy answers. You may feel like you’re a bad mom, but you are not. You are a mom doing brave work in an emotionally intense world.
If you are resonating with this and your child’s emotions may be stressful and hard to understand, please know; you are not alone. Also know, you deserve rest. You deserve support. You deserve to feel like more than just a crisis manager. This journey is hard—but you don’t have to walk it alone, and you don’t have to walk it depleted.
You are clearly a good mama because you have gotten to the end of this blog, looking for support, love and guidance on how to navigate this hard journey. Talk, please talk. Know that you are not alone and your feelings are valid. And, for your child, your presence is healing.
Time and care you take for yourself is just as important as the time and care you give your child.
Xo