I never really understood before when people said, “Grief and joy live together.” But now, I do. It is possible.
Grief is an absolutely messy road for any person to be on, full of muck and mud, unbelievably hard mountains to climb that leave you brutally exhausted. It is a tiring road that is daunting and you ask yourself daily, how can I keep doing this? A road you did not ask to be on, yet, here you are, trudging along, confused, exhausted, depleted.
I thought I knew grief. But I have come to learn that grief is different for everyone and also the grief we feel for our loved ones is a unique experience as well.
When my daughter passed to the other side in 2024, I was trudging along through the sadness and hurt but I kept going for my family. That was my only reason for staying on the trail—my kids and my husband. They needed their mom and he needed his wife so I kept pushing forward and working through the sludge that wanted to literally engulf and drown me daily.
What I learned early on from a friend is to just breathe. Just breathe and focus on today. Focus on getting through the day. Don’t think about tomorrow and definitely don’t get overwhelmed with thinking about five years from now, wondering if you will still be feeling this way. Just today only; think about today and just keep breathing—one breath at a time. I think that was the best advice I could have gotten and I lean into it constantly.
It’s those words that have gotten me to where I am now, still sludging along, sometimes feeling like I am close to getting stuck still yet moving through it a lot easier. I still feel overwhelmed with sadness but the joy has creeped in a lot more. I can appreciate the laughs and the happy times, the friends and family that adore us. The happy times we share with our kids and their stories.
I can find joy in those moments while also understanding that grief is always there, even during that big belly laugh, that special conversation, that dance I had with a friend, that goofy moment when people look at me and say, “There she is, there’s Tammy.”
But in those moments, my grief is right beside the joy. That big belly laugh is followed by, “Ruby would have laughed so hard at that too.” That special conversation is followed by, “Gosh, Ruby would have been in that conversation like a dirty shirt, commenting and giving such beautiful thoughts and advice.” That goofy moment that made me look like me again is followed up with, “She would have been proud of me.”
We have had many beautiful moments happen since our girl went Home and I have wondered how we’d ever make it through, but we did. We did because I believe we are allowing grief and joy to live together. Happiness—and missing her. Cheerful times—and missing her. Celebrating—and missing her. Peace—and missing her.
Honouring the good times and the sadness we feel is how we make it through. Not squashing one for the other, but allowing both to exist in the same moment. This is how we keep going and building a life where both joy and grief co-exist. If we don’t allow happiness into our lives because we feel guilty, we rob our precious time from our family and friends and most of all, us. If we don’t allow the sadness to bubble up and feel it, allow the tears to fall, if we squash it down, it will blow up eventually.
Joy and grief felt together is balance. How we make it through this tough journey, climbing these daunting mountains, is by balancing ourselves so we stay on the path.
And it is okay to feel both.