I struggle with September being Suicide Prevention Month and participating in it because our children who go Home by their own hand are NOT suicide.
They are who they were before their passing.
Ruby is not suicide.
Ruby is Ruby.
She said that she hoped she would be remembered as the person she was and not just for how she passed. She worried that people would only look at the bad and at the end, how she left.
But what about all the before? What about all the good they tried so hard to do?
I think we need to change that.
My Ruby was so much more than how she passed, and I want people to remember her for her fight. For how hard she battled. For how many times she stumbled, hit walls going a hundred miles per hour, got back up and tried again.
And, man, did she try.
She advocated. She spoke. She was brave. She tried to create change. She cared deeply about people and animals. She was goofy and funny and incredibly gentle. She was so damned special.
One of the biggest things I have learned since losing Ruby is how many of our kiddos who take themselves Home are described in such similar ways. They are often the goofy ones, the gentle ones, the kind-hearted ones, the animal lovers and the ones who care deeply about other people.
I saw this so clearly in a group I belong to when one mama shared a picture of her silly kid wearing a mask, just trying to be funny. I could not get over the number of other parents who commented with pictures and videos of their own kiddos wearing costumes and masks and being goofy.
It stopped me in my tracks.
We had some of the funniest, gentlest souls, and so many of them were alike.
And yet this world can be incredibly hard for gentle people to live in. People who feel deeply can spend so much of their lives feeling misunderstood or trying to fit themselves into a mould that was never made for them. Sometimes they become very good at wearing a mask and making everyone else laugh while quietly fighting a battle inside themselves.
This is why I struggle when suicide prevention becomes simply, “Reach out. Speak up.”
Because we also need to ask ourselves whether we have created a world where they actually feel safe enough to do that.
Have we created a safe environment for them to be themselves? Have we asked what it is really like for them to live inside the lives they are living? Have we listened without judgement? Have we sat beside them through their hardest battles without immediately trying to fix them?
I believe this is a society issue. Where they live, where they work, their friendships, social media, their families and their communities all play a part in whether someone feels safe enough to put down the armour they have been carrying and say, “This is what is really happening inside of me.”
Because sometimes their own mind is working against them. They are fighting something incredibly powerful, and too often they are fighting it in isolation while wearing the mask of a happy, funny, happy-go-lucky person.
And isolation gives that pain room to grow. We cannot change this without also looking at ourselves and the environments we are creating.
My Ruby is Ruby.
My beautiful, kind-hearted girl who loved people and probably loved animals even more. Children gravitated toward her. She was funny and compassionate and empathetic. She loved deeply. She fought hard. She mattered.
And until my dying day, I will make sure she is remembered as RUBY, not suicide.
Because that is what she wanted. And as her mama, I will always, always, always advocate and fight for my kids.
Prevention cannot only be about telling people to speak up and reach out.
Prevention also has to be about creating a SAFE place for them to speak when they do.
It has to sound more like, “I will listen. I will give you a safe place to tell me the truth. I will not judge you or try to fix you. I will sit beside you and try to understand what this life feels like for you.”
Because we need our gentle ones here.
We need their kindness. Their goofiness. Their compassion. Their empathy. Their beautiful, different ways of seeing this world.
Let’s help them stay. Let’s create a world where they feel safe enough to stay. And let’s remind them, over and over again:
You are enough.
If you made it all the way to the end, leave me a purple heart.
I want to know who is standing with me, willing to listen, learn and help create safer spaces for our gentle ones.
For my Ruby. Always.
#prevention #awareness #listening #safety #september