One of the biggest pains in grief is not just missing the person we love. It is learning how to keep living without feeling like we are leaving them behind.
The guilt we carry, it is like a monkey on our backs. When we laugh, enjoy a holiday, celebrate a birthday, or realize we made it through a whole day without crying, it can feel wrong and confusing. We find ourselves wondering, How can I smile when they are no longer here? How can I keep living when they can’t?
I have felt guilt too
I have felt that guilt. I still feel that guilt.
After Ruby passed, there were moments when I would laugh with my family or find myself appreciating something beautiful, and almost immediately I would feel the sting of guilt. It was as though experiencing joy somehow meant I was leaving her behind. As though moving forward meant I was moving farther away from her. Like I was saying I was okay, but I was not even close to being okay.
But over time, grief has taught me more than I can really explain.
It has shown me that our hearts are capable of holding both profound sorrow and beautiful joy at the very same time. Those two emotions are not competing with one another. They simply learn to weave in together. Smiling does not diminish our love. Laughing does not erase our grief. Continuing to live does not mean we have forgotten.
The love I have for Ruby has never lessened because I smiled or experienced joy. It has never faded because I kept taking steps forward. If anything, it has become woven into every part of who I am. She is in the way I love people more deeply. She is in the compassion I have for others. She is in my writing, my work, my family, and in the quiet moments when I stop and feel grateful for the love we still share and always will share. She is my intuition, my guidance, the way I help others.
Somewhere along this journey, I realized something that brought me great peace. I no longer felt like I was walking away from her. Instead, I realized I was walking WITH her, just in a different way.
I believe our loved ones are still loving us
I cannot tell you what happens after we leave this earthly life with absolute certainty. But in my heart, I believe our loved ones are still loving us. I believe they want us to laugh again, to find moments of happiness, and to keep living the life we are still here to live. I don’t believe they want us to carry guilt every time we experience joy. I believe they understand our pain more than anyone ever could, and I believe they gently encourage us to keep going.
So if you have found yourself feeling guilty for smiling, laughing, taking a vacation, celebrating a milestone, or simply finding a little peace, I hope you can offer yourself some compassion.
You’re not leaving them behind. You’re bringing them WITH you, with every stitch of your soul and heart.
Your relationship has changed…yes. But your love has not. It continues to grow, guide you, and to shape the person you are becoming. Every step you take is still taken with love, each memory you carry keeps them close and every act of kindness honours them. Every time you have courage or offer compassion, every time you choose to keep experiencing this life becomes another way of honouring them.
I believe love simply asks us to keep walking forward, carrying those we love in our hearts, until the day we meet again.
Oh, what a day that will be!