For a long time, I believed that saying yes made me a good person. If someone needed help, I wanted to be there. If someone asked for my time, I would find a way to make it work. If saying yes meant someone else was happy, then yes seemed like the right answer.
The problem was that after a while, there wasn’t much of me left.
Sound familiar?
I think many of us, especially mothers and caregivers, have been taught that putting ourselves last is what love looks like. We take care of everyone else first and convince ourselves that we’ll rest later. We’ll make time for ourselves later. This is what love is. Love for us…later.
But later rarely comes around.
Saying yes can mean less time for self-care
What I have been learning is that every time I say yes to something that I really don’t have the energy, time, or emotional capacity for, I am actually saying no to myself. I am saying no to the quiet evening I desperately needed. I am saying no to the walk that would have cleared my mind. I am saying no to what my body actually needs to heal.
The truth is, saying no is not about pushing people away. It is about making room for ourselves.
If you struggle with saying no, you are definitely not alone. I still find it uncomfortable.
I am a people pleaser. There, I said it. It’s true.
And there is always that little voice inside that wonders if someone will be disappointed, upset, or think differently of me. It can almost feel easier to say yes, even when everything inside of me is saying no.
I think many of us have spent so much of our lives making sure everyone else is okay that we have forgotten to ask ourselves the same question. We become so aware of everyone else’s feelings that we stop paying attention to our own. We carry responsibility for emotions that were never ours to carry.
It sounds so crazy! But it’s true for so many of us.
Others’ responses are not ours to own
One of the greatest lessons I continue to learn is that how someone responds to my no belongs to them, not to me.
That doesn’t mean I stop being kind or compassionate. I can still say no with love. I can still be respectful. But I no longer have to take responsibility for how another person chooses to feel about my boundary.
That has been a hard lesson because my first instinct is often to smooth things over. I want everyone to be okay. I want to explain myself and I want to make sure they understand.
I notice myself wanting to fix their disappointment before I even acknowledge my own needs.
I think many of us do this. It is such a normal feeling to have, especially if we have spent years putting other people first.
When I notice those feelings coming up, I have learned to pause instead of reacting. I take a slow, deep breath. I plant my feet firmly on the ground, actually feel my feet, and then I remind myself that I am safe. I remind myself that I made this decision for a reason. As I slow my breathing, I can actually feel my body beginning to settle. The urgency to change my answer starts to fade, and I can come back to what I know is right for me.
And this takes time!
Practice setting smaller boundaries
Like anything else, learning to say no takes practice. You don’t have to begin with the biggest, hardest boundary in your life. In fact, I wouldn’t recommend it. Start small.
Maybe today you say no to something that doesn’t fit into your schedule. Maybe you decline an invitation because you genuinely need an evening at home. Maybe you let a phone call go to voicemail because you’re having dinner with your family. Every small no builds confidence. Every time you honour yourself, you remind your heart that your needs matter too.
The beautiful thing is that saying no to others is often saying yes to yourself. Yes to peace, rest, healing and not always feeling like you’re running on fumes or, even worse, empty.
Saying no and yes to yourself is like putting nice, clean gas back in the tank. It is actually like good-old maintenance. We take care of our vehicles and so on, why not ourselves?
I don’t believe self-love is something we find all at once. I think it is something we practice every day, one small choice at a time. Sometimes it looks like speaking kindly to ourselves. Sometimes it looks like asking for help. And, sometimes, it is simply having the courage to say one small word…No.
Because that little word is one of the biggest gifts we can ever give ourselves.
A wholehearted yes to the love we choose to give to ourselves.
Sending you loads of love if you’re practicing saying yes to you.
You deserve it all!
Xo Tammy