Something I am learning through my own journey of my daughter living in Heaven is how important it is to protect my own mind, heart, and perspective. And most of all, my peace.
I have heard so many people’s perspectives, journeys, opinions and, unfortunately, some of them have told me how to get through something so absolutely shattering. The toughest ones to hear are the ones who have never been through this shattering journey.
People want to help. I know that. They want to make things “easier”, make things make sense, try to show you they care by telling you what you should be doing, but truly, most of that shuts us down. Makes us not ask for help and get quiet, and that is the worst thing for us.
What I know is that people have the best of intentions, they are really trying to help, but what people seem to not know is when you are in so much pain, your nervous system is firing in ways you cannot fathom. You are on edge. And our brains are not able to function. We can’t seem to understand what the hell is happening, let alone be able to differentiate between someone trying to be helpful or someone just being careless.
And we can fire back. We can be short and impatient, and that adds more stress. I’ve done it lots, and it makes sense, because most people have never experienced a nervous system so ignited with excruciating pain.
What I know is: this journey is ours and ours alone.
And I also know it is really, really hard to know what to say and how to help when someone you love is hurting so badly.
The truth is, you don’t have to say anything. Just listen. Ask questions about their loved one. Let them talk about them. Let them describe their pain. Let them ramble on.
Don’t give advice. Validate their feelings, share their love and tears. Cry with them, let them know you’re close by. Let them talk and talk about their loved one because as they do, they are slowly processing
What a gift you give by just listening.
And if they ask for advice, sure, make a suggestion, but don’t tell them what to do, and don’t share your opinion on something they are planning, telling them it’s “wrong”. Gah!!!!
Supporting someone through the most torturous time of their lives is so scary, intimidating, heartbreaking and confusing. I get it. But that person who is IN the torture doesn’t need your advice, your knowledge or your “fixes”.
They need your love.
Just love them.
Love them hard.